Your daily recap of all the most interesting news in Paso del Norte and beyond.

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PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

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NOW WE’LL BE ABLE TO HAVE EVEN MORE THIRD-RATE, REPETITIVE AND UNORIGINAL  FESTIVALS IN DOWTOWN EL PASO ……. FOR ETERNITY.  HOORAY! – El Paso City Council approved to continue the downtown kickstart event funding indefinitely for all downtown events.  It was originally supposed to only help any events for three years in order to weed out the successful events from the crappy ones that depend on free money, but now that they can keep on applying indefinitely for tax payer money the crappy events will go on forever as long as they are good at kissing ass with the powers that be.  There is no better way to spend tax payer money than on subjective programs that are based entirely on favoritism.  Good show, El Paso government.  Luckily this program only applies to downtown, because if the rest of the city could use the funds the Holguin-Gandara-Sarinana-JaimePerez Lower Valley Pachangada Festival at the Big 8 parking lot would manage to waste all the program's three year budget in one month.  But if non-original and asinine things like Neon Desert and KLAQ Streetfest can get tax money, isn’t it only fair that the Lower Valley Pachangada at Big 8 also get taxpayer money from the city?  (kvia.com)
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PLEASE!  SOMEONE SUBMIT THE NAME “DALLAS COWBOYS LA LAKERS TEXAS RANGERS NEW YORK YANKEES TEXAS LONGHORNS OF EL PASO BASEBALL TEAM” FOR THAT STUPID NAME THE TEAM CONTEST (ALTHOUGH THE OWNERS HAVE ALREADY DECIDED THE NAME) THAT THE EL PASO TRIPLE A TEAM IS DOING ONLINE – The "name the team contest" ends on May 24, so you only have a few days to submit stupid ass shit for the name of the team.  If you read the fine print, you might have noticed that the owners have no obligation to use any of the names submitted and have already made their decision.  But you do get a prize package that includes tickets, jerseys and city hall rubble if you win the contest, so that’s cool.  As long as the team isn’t called cowboys, longhorns, lakers or rangers it should be a success.  If you ever want to see how uncreative parents in El Paso are, just check the names on any little league schedule and you’ll see that 90% of the teams in the city are either cowboys, longhorns, lakers or rangers.  Fuck you and your kids if they play on a team called cowboys, longhorns, lakers or rangers.  And fuck you if you name the El Paso Triple A Team one of those names.  Personally, I really hope they go with El Paso City Hall Destroyers Baseball Club.  (kvia.com)
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FAR EAST EL PASO RESIDENTS (POT) CALLS OUT EL PASO ELECTRIC (KETTLE) FOR PROPOSED ELECTRIC PLANT IN UNINCORPORATED AREA AND ITS HEAVY WATER USE.  BECAUSE IT’S OKAY WHEN INDIVIDUALS DISREGARD RULES AND THE ENVIRONMENT IN THE UNINCORPORATED AREAS, BUT HEAVEN FORBID THE ELECTRIC COMPANY GETS PERMITS AND BUILDS A POWER PLANT WITHIN THE LETTER OF THE LAW – The easiest solution to any political problem in an unincorporated area is for the residents to band together and create a legitimate town or village and then you can create all the stupid rules you want and keep out any “big, bad” companies from ruining your pristine, sprawltastic utopia.  But the people in Montana Vista want to have their cake and eat it too by being able to build and do whatever the fuck they want, yet preventing the electric company to do something similar to what a natural gas plant is already doing in the same fucking area.  And as far as the environment is concerned, please note how the residents of Montana Vista and Far East El Paso rape the pristine sand dunes in the Red Sands area on a daily basis.  In addition to racing here, these fuckers have actually built houses on the sand dunes - honest to God, fucking houses and trash pits on one of the regions rarest ecological areas!  Please incorporate first, Montana Vista, then you can start accusing El Paso Electric of whatever the hell you want to accuse them of.  (elpasotimes.com)
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U.S. INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS SAY THERE ARE 2 CARTELS CURRENTLY IN JUAREZ.  THIS BEING THE DEA, I’LL JUST ASSUME THERE IS ROOM FOR ERROR AND THE ACTUAL NUMBER OF CARTELS IN JUAREZ IS ANYWHERE BETWEEN 0 AND 100.  < ------- THE DEA ISN’T VERY GOOD AT WHAT IT DOES AND IS AS CLUELESS AS EVERYONE ELSE – UTEP hosted an Intelligence Education conference where the DEA and other federal agencies talked about drug violence and mentioned that even though they waste billions of dollars, they know as much about what’s going in the drug trade as those people who spend their entire day on Facebook and looking at narco execution videos on the internet.  I wasn’t actually at the conference, but I’ll just assume that is what they said – the track record of the DEA and other federal agencies would indicate that the "clueless" statement is true.  (elpasotimes.com)
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SOMETIMES, TEXAS IS NOT AS STUPID AS YOU WOULD BELIEVE – The Texas legislature did something smart this week when they killed a bill that would have allowed stupid people to bitch, complain and put certificates of obligation on the ballot if they filled a petition with enough signatures.  Because let’s give stupid people that petition every little thing even more power, there’s no way that could have ended badly.  The people should never be allowed to vote for every little thing that comes up in the government, unless it’s something major like secession, because it makes the concept of electing officials and hiring people to make decisions pointless.  If you don’t like how things are going, vote your representative out of office – that’s how democracy works.  Democracy doesn’t mean you get to micro-manage everything and throw a tantrum whenever things don't go your way.  That’s what garbage like change.org is all about.  Like a pacifier to a child, it makes stupid people think they are making a difference yet it doesn’t damage the government one way or another.  (elpasotimes.com)
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REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS
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BUT I THOUGHT GUN CONTROL, INCREASED ANTI-TERRORISM MEASURES, BILLIONS SPENT ON SECURITY AND 40 WARS WAS GOING TO STOP TERRORISM AND ALL THE VIOLENCE IN THE WORLD.  ALL THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE WORLD LIED TO ME – Crazy people and/or terrorists attacked a soldier in broad daylight outside of London and then proceeded to kill him with cleavers.  To make things more crazy, they stood around after they killed him and made crazy religious Youtube rant videos with the idiots with cell phone cameras around them.  The media is portraying this as terrorism, but these guys just seem like crazy ass fucks that were probably kicked out of their mosque for being crazy ass fuckers that carry around cleavers.  You can regulate bomb making materials, you can regulate guns, you can have all the security in the world – but crazy people are going to do crazy ass shit no matter what.  (bbc.co.uk)
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SWEDEN GETS INTO THE EUROPEAN RIOTING SPIRIT AFTER POLICE BRUTALITY ALLEGATIONS PUSH PEOPLE TO THE EDGE – The Nordic regions are some of the most chill areas of Europe.  You expect riots out of Italy, Spain, Greece, Eastern Europe and France – because they do it all the time and sometimes they do it just for the sake of doing it.  But to have a riot in Stockholm is pretty out of the ordinary.  Much like the riots in France a few years back, the tension between police and immigrant groups boiled over after a person was shot by police.  The riots occurred in immigrant-heavy areas outside of Stockholm where police shot a machete-wielding individual and where tension has been building over allegations of anti-immigrant discrimination by police over the years.  This is part of a larger issue in Sweden concerning different sections of the population and this will require some deal of reform to correct, but it doesn’t seem as bad as what France, Spain, Greece and Italy have to deal with.  Greece has practically given up and is just waiting for the next World War so they can blow everything up and get aid to rebuild (I don’t have the heart to tell Greece that the next World War will more than likely not occur in Europe).  But as far as immigration is concerned, this speaks volumes about the importance of assimilating immigrants to the community as a whole and to not let them develop their own colonies where they start to alienate themselves from the host community.  Like vampires, immigrants should not be allowed to form xenophobic colonies that chase outsiders – it usually ends badly and then Blade gets involved and it all goes to hell. Intermarriage usually works and banging random chicks and/or dudes from random races also encourages inter-person interaction.  This has been a message from the "Simple Minded Interracial Porn Equals Immigration Tolerance Political Action Committee".  (bbc.co.uk)
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MMA DOUCHE-TYPE SHOT BY FBI IN CONNECTION TO BOSTON BOMBING CASE.  EVERY TIME AN MMA DOUCHE-TYPE IS SHOT DEAD, AN ANGEL GETS IT’S WINGS (IT’S IN THE BIBLE!) – The FBI was questioning a man in Florida who may have had a connection with the Boston Bombers, when he flipped out and he was shot.  There would probably be more outrage over this if the guy in question was not an MMA douche-type who died with honor in his official uniform of Tap Out shorts and Affliction t-shirt.  But the mainstream media seems to not really care about this and is not really asking the FBI to justify anything it did.  This important information for all law enforcement that they can officially shoot anyone that looks douchey without any ramifications.  (bbc.co.uk)
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RUSSIA APPARENTLY HAS NO PROBLEMS, DOMESTICALLY OR INTERNATIONALLY, AND IS THUS USING IT’S TIME WISELY BY PROTESTING THE EUROVISION CONTEST RESULTS AND PLANNING FOR WAR WITH AZERBAIJAN – Russia is taking time off from its busy schedule of contradicting everyone on the UN Security Council and partying with Syria’s Assad by protesting ten points that Azerbaijan didn’t give to Russia in the Eurovision Song Contest.  Russia is a very level-headed country with calm leaders, so this will in no way end with a war with Azerbaijan.  Who are we kidding?  This is definitely going to end in a war with Azerbaijan.  (bbc.co.uk)
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PASO DEL NORTE MIGHT BE IN SUPER-MEGA DROUGHT MODE, BUT AT LEAST WE’RE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF INDIA AND ITS CRAZY HEAT WAVE – Large parts of India are currently in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures reaching up to 113F.  At least they’re not Phoenix - the magical hell on earth where temperatures reach 125F and self-absorbed, pretentious people show up in droves to waste water and pretend that they are Los Angeles Jr.  I think we are ALL grateful we are not in Arizona, except the people in Arizona who are probably just secretly thinking up ways of moving their cities closer to Mississippi.  ARIZONA:  DIXIE IN THE SOUTHWEST!  (bbc.co.uk)

Your daily recap of all the most interesting news in Paso del Norte and beyond.

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PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

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JUAREZ TO REPLACE RACETRACK WITH CONVENTION CENTER, NOT A VERY GOOD TRADEOFF IN MY OPINION.  “LEGITIMATE” BUSINESS IS IN NO WAY BETTER THAN PONIES AND GAMBLING – After rejecting over 100 other sites, the city government of Juarez has decided to build their $52 million convention center at the sight of the old horse and dog racetrack which was closed down because of drugs or something related to drugs.  This is just like the city hall/baseball stadium situation in downtown El Paso only this case involves less psychos like Stephanie Townsend-Allala and the racetrack in Juarez is actually a useful building unlike the old city hall. El Paso and Juarez truly are twin cities.  (elpasotimes.com)
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BILLY ABRAHAM IS ABOVE THE LAW AND EVEN JUDGES DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH HIM.  HE IS THE ORIGINAL STEVEN SEAGAL – The Billy Abraham intoxicated manslaughter (murder) trial has been postponed for the umpteenth time because the defense needs more time to build an open and shut case and because judges apparently don’t care about doing things in a timely manner.  For those not familiar with the case, Billy Abraham was allegedly intoxicated (but more than likely he was totally wasted) when he ran someone over with his truck on Paisano and fled the scene and chased by law enforcement.  We was apprehended by multiple agencies after he stopped and everyone agrees he seemed drunk.    His lawyer, and father, maintains that he is innocent even though that all evidence shows that he did in fact kill someone with his truck and leave the scene while under the influence.  This being Billy Abraham, the case will be delayed for another ten years until he is finally charged with a minor misdemeanor and pays a $25 fine. Nothing can stop Billy Abraham.  (elpasotimes.com)
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I GOT BIG BALLS, HE’S GOT BIG BALLS.  BUT BETO O’ROURKE HAS THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL – Congressman Beto O’Rourke spoke out against the failed war on drugs again in Washington D.C.  Amongst other congressmen he spoke of how pointless and ineffective the war on drugs has been in El Paso and the rest of the country and how laws and ideas have to be changed.  Kudos to Beto O’Rourke for having the balls to call out the federal government on their stupidity.  Naturally, the government will do nothing, continue making the drug problem an even bigger clusterfuck and work behind the scenes to try and discredit Beto O’Rourke.  God Bless ‘Murica!  (elpasotimes.com)
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27 YEAR OLD GOES OUT WITH ONE OF HIS STUDENTS AND FIVE DIFFERENT AGENCIES SEND SWAT TEAMS TO HIS HOUSE.  YUP, THAT SEEMS LIKE A PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE TO THE CRIME COMMITTED – Continuing their commitment to wasting money and turning every little arrest into a massive horse and pony show, Homeland Security called in a SWAT Team and the bomb squad when they found suspicious items at Bobby J. French’s house after his arrest for going out with one of his high school students.  Bobby J. French will now be fired from his job and spend some time in jail or do some probation for doing something extremely stupid like going out with one of your students while they are still in high school.  Homeland Security, however, will not be punished for doing something extremely stupid like turning a basic arrest and investigation of a typical cradle robber into a possible terrorist manhunt complete with helicopters, SWAT teams and bomb squads.  Thank you, Homeland Security, for keeping America safe from cradle robbers (the Al Qaeda of 2013).  (elpasotimes.com)
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WAREHOUSE-LOOKING BUILDING THAT HAS A SIGN THAT READS “MERCADO” HAILED WITH OPENING CELEBRATION ATTENDED BY MAYOR AND BUSINESS LEADERS – The new “Mercado” at Paisano is nothing more than a warehouse with store-like compartments inside.  It also has a sign that reads “Mercado” that gives the illusion that someone tried to create a building that is nothing more than a warehouse.  This is the latest example that if you sort of try to do something nice in downtown, everyone will hail you as some sort of hero.  Billy Abraham and the Slumlord Mafia have set the bar so low in Downtown El Paso that the opening of a warehouse requires a ribbon cutting ceremony.  (elpasotimes.com)
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REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS
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LET THERE BE LIGHT, MOGADISHU – Life in Somalia is returning back to normal as people feel safe enough to go out at night again.  Meanwhile, Somaliland is just chilling in its little corner and doing its own thing and wondering if they can be their own country and not have to be controlled by Somalia.  Come on, Somalia.  The world is giving you aid and light bulbs, why don’t you give Somaliland it’s freedom.  (bbc.co.uk / aljazeera.com)
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FRANCE SAYS, “BEING GAY IS A-OKAY!” – France has finally legalized same-sex marriages after President Hollande signed the bill into law.  You’re probably wondering how an ultra-liberal place like France was so late to recognize same-sex marriages.  France has like porn on TV and people having sex on the street and porn in schools and children drinking wine in kindergarten (I assume these are all French facts). You would have thought that the supreme-liberal French would have been the first place to recognize same-sex marriages like 500 years ago when Napoleon defeated King Kong and married his male horse in honor of the creation of the French Republic (More Unverified French Facts!)  Kudos, France!  Everyone deserves equal rights.  (aljazeera.com)
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AFGHANISTAN IS APPARENTLY RUN BY IDIOTS WHO WANT TO DRIVE THE COUNTRY BACK INTO THE STONE AGE AND AWAY FROM ANY FORM OF PROGRESS – In all of its history, Afghanistan has always been a state of clusterfuckiness and has never really been stable.  Deep down maybe Afghans don’t want civilization and just want to slowly wait for death.  Cutting the country into smaller countries based on tribal affiliations would be the only way to actually “save” Afghanistan, but the current U.S.-led reconstruction is much more amusing.  The latest example of Afghanistan’s “Stone Age Leadership” is to reject legislation that would give women more rights.  Among the major sticking points was putting an age limit on when you can give a daughter away in marriage.  Because when stupid people bastardize the Qur'an and interpret it without using their brains, they can apparently legitimize child rape. (aljazeera.com)
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THE WHOLE WORLD IS SIGNING OFF ON BETTER WORKING CONDITIONS FOR BANGLADESH GARMENT WORKERS EXCEPT WAL-MART AND THE GAP.  BECAUSE WAL-MART AND THE GAP ARE RUN BY LUCIFER – After the tragic factory collapse in Bangladesh, all of the major European companies doing business there have signed off on improved working conditions of the garment workers in Bangladesh.  Most of the American companies have yet to sign on because of “legal reasons” and other bullshit reasons they come up with during meetings with their skeevy lawyers and advertising executives.  At least Wal-Mart and The Gap are honest when they say that they won’t sign off on any safety agreement until they go over the contract with Satan.  Satan is all about the profit, safety be damned.  (aljazeera.com)
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DENMARK WINS EUROVISION SONG CONTEST WITH PRETTY BAREFOOT GIRL SINGING ABOUT TEARS.  CONGRATULATIONS, DENMARK! – Emmelie De Forest won the Eurovision Song Contest for Denmark with her song “Only Teardrops”.  For those that don’t know, the Eurovision Song Contest is a super old completion that was the inspiration for the Champions League in Futball where every country in Europe submits a song in an yearly competition that is voted on by all the people of Europe.  It is flashy, over the top and occasionally tacky but provides an amazing mix of great songs and utterly horrendous music.  It’s like American Idol but much, MUCH better.  Although Emmelie De Forest won, Romania’s Cezar was robbed with his song “It’s My Life” which is about a gay, opera-singing vampire who falls in love with Skrillex.  Cezar is the true champion of the Eurovision contest of my heart.  (bbc.co.uk) 

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TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2012 - Grand Prix Final - Barfi! Vs. Seven Psychopaths

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     Barfi! is the best movie of 2012 and the winner of the 2012 Simple Minded Entertainment Tournament of Film.  Congratulations to everyone involved in the creation of Barfi! for making an amazing film.  If you haven't seen Barfi!, or any of the other movies in this year's tournament, do yourself a favor and go rent it, download it, view it on netflix or movies2k or wherever you can - you won't be dissapointed.  The scoring was tight, but after a hard fought tournament the staff picked Barfi! over Seven Psychopaths which was an equally amazing movie.  So that's it for this version of the Tournament of Film, check back next year (hopefully at an earlier date) or the next installment:  2013 Tournament of Film.  And remember, Fuck the Oscars and every other corporate award bought with favoritism and lobbying - this is the one that really matters.  Until Next Year.  Adieu!

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TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2012 - Semifinal #2 - Drama Vs. Popcorn Movie

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