Neon Desert 2012 BREAKING NEWS! - Dead Musican JamBEARee will make Coachella's Tupac Hologram Look Like Shit

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Fri, 25 May 2012 22:34:00 -0400

BREAKING NEWS! – EL PASO, TX – MAY 25,2012

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     Last month all the posers were excited and impressed beyond belief when a chubby-ass, elderly Dr. Dre brought a hologram of Tupac on stage at Coachella. The posers who were actually at the festival (the proper term for people who go to Coachella in a non-ironic way are cunts) said this was the highlight of the festival and perhaps their pathetic lives.
..     Not to be outdone by Coachella, we have just learned that El Paso’s own Neon Desert Music Festival has its very own surprise that involves digging up the dead corpses of musicians.
.     Simple Minded Entertainment has just learned that after Sparta’s set and the inevitable At The Drive In cock-tease reunion, not one, but six long dead musicians will be resurrected to act like minstrels just like in Coachella. The “Dead Musician JamBEARee” will be very awesome and as we type this we can already sense five writers from Pitchfork falling to the floor in seizures at this news. We do not now what song this super groupe along with Sparta/At The Drive-In/Mars Volta and Moby will play, but it is rumored it will be an extended remix of "Cut Your Ribbon" mixed with the classic Marty Robbins song "El Paso" and Juan Gabriel's "Ciudad Juarez Es Numero Uno". The picture below is just a preview, but the cutting edge animatronics technology will blow away the Tupac hologram. Not only will Tupac Shakur take the state but he will be joined by Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Layne Staley and Bradley Nowell!
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Neon Desert's 2012 Dead Musician JamBEARee will feature Tupac Shakur, Bradley Nowell, Jim Morrison, Layne Staley, Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse. A senior editor at Pitchfork who received a sneak peak was quoted as saying, "The Neon Desert 2012 Dead Musician Jamboree makes the Cochella Tupac hologram look like a giant pile of pretentious excrement designed for brain-dead cunts. And this is coming from someone who ejaculated 27 times in a row when he saw the Tupac hologram." The Neon Desert surprise is looking awesome.

Do not miss the Neon Desert Music Festival. Because if Coachella can shit on the memory of dead musicians, Neon Desert can take it one step further!

Welcome Your Neon Desert Weekend With Sparta and Ghostland Observatory

nospam@example.com (The King) — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:14:57 -0400

In honor of Hipster Neon Desert (which we recommend you attend) here's closing act Sparta and Ghostland Observatory.

One of the comments on youtube says this with respect to Ghostland Observatory: "This guys Indian name is "Kicks Ass With Microphone"". I couldn't agree more.

Man Watches Porn at Local Library, People Get Offended

nospam@example.com (The King) — Fri, 25 May 2012 15:38:51 -0400

I was supposed to write a review on the Diablos super fantastic $1 beer night, but I ended up getting drunk and never made it to the game, so I’m just going to talk about that dude that was watching porn at the library by Memorial Park.

http://www.kvia.com/news/31108364/detail.html

Here at simple minded we like to think of ourselves as part of the live and let live variety. I mean, let’s face it, we are not model citizens. Hell, we’re not even decent human beings. I’m not going to get into whether this is right, wrong, moral, evil, filthy, perverted or whatever the fuck you want to call it. What he did was not illegal so let’s leave it at that. Leave the “Will somebody please think of the children!” to another website.

Take your garbage elsewhere, Helen Lovejoy!

I want to get into why he was watching porn at the library, and I think I have a pretty good theory. You see, back in the day, porn was not so readily available. There was no youjizz, youporn, redtube, and most importantly, there was no xvideos. If you wanted free porn, you had to play Russian Roulette with your computer and download porn off of limewire or whatever file sharing application you were using. There was a very good chance the file you were downloading contained a virus or some kind of spamware, and if you did manage to get a safe file, odds are the quality was subpar it was between 2 and 5 minutes long. The other option was watching those lame free preview clips on pay sites. We forget how lucky we are with free streaming, and I honestly can’t remember a time when adult entertainment was not so readily available. And not only is it readily available, but we have whole movies, in HD. HD!!!! Tits and ass the way we were meant to see them! So, not only do we take our free porn for granted, we’ve also become dependent on it. Like Randy from South Park.

And give daddy some private time!

So my guess is this fine fellow savored the wonders of free internet porn, and it was suddenly taken from him. The possible reasons for his sudden porn deprivation are numerous. It could be as simple as forgetting to pay his bill, or as tragic as losing his job and not being able to afford internet for an indefinite amount of time. In any case, he needed his quality porn fix, and he did what any red blooded male would do. He went to a place that offers free internet access, saw some awesome porn, and took some mental pictures. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, he didn’t whip it out and start playing with himself, he just watched some videos. And to this I say, continue watching my good man, continue watching…

Has the word porn ever been used this many times in a single post? I don’t think so. Just to make sure, porn porn porn!

Simple Minded Survival Guide To ........ Neon Desert 2012

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Thu, 24 May 2012 20:44:00 -0400

Hipster's will probably ask you to smuggle Pabst Blue Ribbon into the Neon Desert Festival via your rectum. Please don't do it. As this X-Ray (and personal Simple Minded Entertainment experience) shows, it's not very pleasant to stick a PBR up your ass.

Recently, everyone and their grandma has been doing a “survival guide” for Neon Desert. As a public service, I would like to offer you a survival guide of our own for the upcoming Neon Desert Music Festival 2012. Below is the official band schedule for the festival including the poorly planned scheduling of Sparta and Moby at the same time.
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. For the survival guide I would like to break down which acts you should watch and what you should do during the festival for the entire time you are there. The festival will last close to 14 hours, so you better plan ahead if you want to get the most bang for your buck.
.PRE –SHOW - The show starts at 12:00 PM but we recommend you get there at least an hour early and load up on coffee or cocaine to perk you up. Coffee will be expensive inside the festival and cocaine will be “officially” banned at the festival (pussies), so you better do some lines of blow just before you go to get ready for the day. Most of the drug dealers won’t be at the festival until after dark when all the electronica/rave/techno/rape music starts, so if you need a fix it’s best to load up before the festival starts.
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12:00 PM to 1:00 PM – So once at the festival, your first major decision will be whether to jam out to Johnny Costello or Kontra Golpe Noise Manifesto. If you didn’t do cocaine before you came, as recommended, you are probably a pot head and don’t want to tire yourself out to early. In that case, Johnny Costello and his soothing acoustic set should be the perfect start to your day. If you are all coked up, Kontra Golpe Noise Manifesto should be where you start the festival.
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1:00 PM to 2:00 PM – This time period offers an awesome double header of The D.A. immediately followed by Emily Davis and the Altar Boys. Regardless of your drug of choice and state of inebriation, this is what you should do at this time period. Eureka the Butcher and Esteban Carrasco will be playing around this time too. If you hate your ears, that is where you will probably be.
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2:00 PM to 3:00 PM – After the Emily Davis set you will all be treated to Zechs Marquise on the Miller Lite Stage. You will definitely love this if you have begun your pot smoking for the day. If not, just give it a shot and go buy yourself so overpriced food and drinks to bring your energy up.
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3:00 PM to 4:00 PM – L.I.G.R.E. is a great and underrated band from Juarez. You should check them out at this time. They should be one of the surprises of the festival and you don’t want to be left out when your hipster friends start talking about how “I like L.I.G.R.E. better before people listened to them at Neon Desert.”
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4:00 PM to 5:00 PM – Class Actress and Le Butcherettes are both solid choices at this time slot, so you can go back and forth and see what you like better. The walking between stages will stimulate blood flow, keep your body limber and also help the flow of whatever drugs are in your system at this time.
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5:00 PM to 7:00 PM – Nothing really eye-popping at this time, so you can probably use this time to get some food and drinks, talk to people, buy drugs from the early bird drug dealers or have sex with a random person in a port a potty. If you can’t find someone to hook up with during this time, we suggest you go into a port a potty and just masturbate – don’t worry, you have time. And this applies to guys and girls, just lay back and put your feet up against the door and go to town! If you must listen to music at this time, La Vida Boheme sounds like a good pick.
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7:00 PM to 8:00 PM – This time is important because this is when the headliners start taking the stage. But more importantly for the readers of this website, this is the time when the real heavy duty drug dealers start showing up. Drug Dealers, by nature, work all night and are generally lazy. So when the sun comes down they come out. The festival is “officially” drug free. But like all festivals, there will be drugs and this is about the time that they start flowing. And because the festival features rock acts AND DJs there will be tons of stimulants, cocaine, downers, pot and all the rape drugs you can imagine (not to mention all the “legal drugs” like alcohol that the festival will be selling.) Oh yeah, there’s also music at this festival. Classixx and Mexican Institute of Sound both sound good, so check them both at out in between purchasing your drugs for the night.
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8:00 PM to 9:00 PM - I’ll go with Yacht at this hour.
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9:00 PM to 10:00 PM – And I like The Twelves at this hour.
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10:00 PM to 11:00 PM – Do you like pretentious douchebag noise from Austin? If so, then you will be front row and completely wet when Ghostland Observatory takes the stage. For normal people, you can just sample the music and look at all the slutty hipster girls in short shorts. Did you know that Neon Desert is the El Paso event with the highest concentration of slutty hipster girls in short shorts? A-Trak starts at 10:30, so if you came for the DJ sets your drugasmic/sexual assaultastic party begins now!
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11:00 PM to 12:00 PM – Do you like ass and short skirts? Belanova has this hour all to themselves and the lead singer promises to bend over at least 4 times per show. And if Chilango Pop isn’t your thing you can go into the A-Trak party and rub up against random girls without getting arrested.
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12:00 PM to ???? – So the festival comes to an end with the brilliant move of scheduling Sparta and Moby at the same time. By this time you are completely tired and out of it to the point that only drugs are keep you alive, so you don’t really care about poor scheduling and it’s consequences. Your choice at this time will depend on what you consumed during the duration of the festival. If you took the traditional rock festival route of pot and/or beer you will most likely end up in Sparta land. If you took a lot of pills and/or cocaine you will be grinding with partially unconscious girls while Moby spins away. Either way, it’s a great way to end the day.
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. So now that you have your day planned out you’re probably wondering how to break the rules at Neon Desert even more and we are here to help. Below is the official list of forbidden things at the festival and our suggestions on how to get around them.

.WHAT CAN’T I BRING?.

- Weapons of any kind (They do this to keep the kids safe, but sometimes you just have to rumble. Weapons are sharp so you shouldn’t sneak them inside your rectum. We recommend you use your good, old fists to kick some ass inside the festival. If need be, sticks and bottles also make good weapons)
- Illegal substances (including narcotics) – (HA HA HA. They put this in every concert because apparently it’s a law or something. As mentioned earlier in our guide, there should be a ton of drug dealers at the festival and a member of the Rodriguez-Lopez posse will probably start giving away free pot during a performance. Feel free to use your rectum to sneak in drugs, but also remember that any drugs you buy at the festival came out of someone’s rectum.)
- Drug Paraphernalia (You can’t bring your bong to the festival, but any inspired pothead can turn anything into a bong. If it’s not too big, you can sneak in your pipe/bong in your rectum.)
- Framed or large backpacks (There’s a good chance you’re a douche and you might be planning to camp out at the festival. Please don’t bring you camping backpack and attempt to set up camp inside the festival, you fucking cunt.)
- Alcohol (Alcohol will be sold at the Festival) – (Damn straight there will be alcohol sold at the festival. El Paso will riot if you take away booze from any event. Just pay the outlandish booze fees at the festival, no use in trying to sneak it in. A hipster may ask you to sneak in a Pabst Blue Ribbon in your rectum, don't do it!)
- Glass containers (You might try to cut someone with the glass. Get a branch from a nearby tree if you want to hit someone instead.)
- Food or beverages (How are they supposed to charge you outlandish food prices if you bring your own food? Don’t try to smuggle food through your rectum, that is just wrong)
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.There’s a bunch of other stupid restrictions at the festival, so just make sure to stick it in your rectum if it’s small enough and if security doesn’t see you punch someone in the head – technically it didn’t happen. So that’s our guide for Neon Desert. May you listen to good music, may you do lots of drugs and may your rectum be pain free! See you Saturday!
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.BONUS MEMORIAL DAY SURVIVAL GUIDE.KLAQ Balloon Fest – If you are going to the Balloon Fest, or any KLAQ sponsored event, and you don’t have any children you are probably a poser. Simple Minded suggests you put a gun to your mouth and pull the trigger because you are a poser. That is our survival guide for the KLAQ Balloon Fest.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Grand Prix Final Result - "Warrior" Is The Best Movie Of 2011

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:36:00 -0400

Scoring Rules: The films are judged on 11 categories and are given 2 points for winning the category or 1 point for a tie (there can be only 1 tie per scorecard). Movie with the higher score advances to the next round.

The final two films in the tournament were action bracket winner, "Wu Xia", and drama bracket winner, "Warrior". After a close matchup, "Warrior" was superior in more categories and was the overall top movie. Congratulations to "Warrior", it is the top movie of 2011. Below are the final scorecards and a special present for the top film.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 – Grand Prix Final

Warrior Vs. Wu Xia

FINAL SCORE

Wu Xia – 18

Warrior – 26 (2011 Grand Prix – Best Movie of 2011)

And now a video that probably is not based on the hit film "Warrior" (unless trime travel is possible), Scandal's "The Warrior". Congratulations to everyone involved in the creation of "Warrior" (The movie, not the song).

What You Should Watch At Neon Desert 2012 - Ranking All (Most) of the Performers

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Sat, 19 May 2012 20:21:00 -0400

The Neon Desert Music Festival kicks off next week and we thought we’d run down all the acts playing (the ones that we could at least find samples of online, at least) and rank them in order from most awesome to most non-awesome. We were just going to countdown the top 15 so the people at the bottom wouldn’t get butt-hurt. But we just decided to rank them all because pissing people off has never really stopped Simple Minded Entertainment from doing anything in the past. But first, a look at the festival as a whole.
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Now a lot of people have been bitching about the festival, but it is a good thing and a great showcase for local acts. But since everyone else is doing it, I will also bitch about the festival so I won’t feel left out.
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So are the organizers a bunch of douchey, hipster shitheads from Austin? Yes. Yes, they are. But for a festival created by a bunch of Austin hipsters it’s amazing that it’s not over-pretentious, so kudos to them for containing their Austindouche spirit for this event. The organizers also claim that this is the first music festival in El Paso’s history. This is a very offensive and ignorant statement that shows a lack of historical knowledge and little reverence for the past. Off the top of my head, I know that Power 102 has been doing the Power Jam festival for at least 300 years now. (Did you know that Dr. Dre performed at the first Power Jam sometime in 1707? Yup, he’s that old and that irrelevant.) Also, there have been a ton of Rave/Techno/Electronica/RapeMusic festivals in the city in the past couple of years produced by those douchey, hipster shitheads from Phoenix. And who can forget the amazing One-Eyed Donkey Fests from a few years back produced by those lovable young lads from Simple Minded Entertainment. And let’s not even start on what Speaking Rock is doing out in Socorro with all their free shows that don’t ask for any help from the government – Did I mention all their shows are FREE! And if you want to make an old school argument, some of the old timers talk fondly of the awesome music festivals and showcases that Steve Crosno used to put together back in the day around the area. So yes, Paso del Norte has seen music festivals before and this isn’t a new thing. So maybe Neon Desert should just call itself “El Paso’s 1st Hipster Festival” and that would at least show a little respect for the past. And my final bitching rant concerns the scheduling. Would it kill them to not schedule both headliners at the same time? Maybe they can learn some proper scheduling techniques for their next events.
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So this festival is great and is something different for the Paso del Norte region, but it is not without its faults (mainly the fact that they scheduled Sparta and Moby at the exact same fucking time …. and also the tickets could be cheaper – “Speaking Rock Cheap” if you know what I mean).
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[End bitching rant now] So after careful analysis by our writers and staff, we have ranked the majority of acts from the 2012 Neon Desert Music Festival to make your listening choices easier. We have also included links to ALL of the artists so you can check them out before you go to the festival. For a music festival, the official websites for Neon Desert are devoid of music and seem to be more focused on creating glossy Flash graphics and trying to befriend you with social media garbage. But Simple Minded loves you and has gone to the trouble to give you links to everyone. You are welcome.

TOP ACTS FROM THE 2012 NEON DESERT MUSIC FESTIVAL IN ORDER FROM MOST AWESOME TO MOST NON-AWESOME – WITH BONUS EXPERT ANALYSIS

1. Sparta – The El Paso legends are your best bet for the festival. Unfortunately, some poor planners scheduled them at the same time as Moby so you’ll have to make a tough choice on festival day. Sparta is rumored to come out dressed as Sexy Spartans (think warriors from 300, but 300 times sexier).
2. Yacht - Yachts are boats that fancy people ride and that are used for fancy international water sex orgies.
3. Moby – He Is named after his great-great-great grandfather, Moby-Dick. The delightful white whale from Melville’s book that parlayed his literary fame into a career as a pretentious art critic on the gritty, pretentious streets of 19TH century New York City.
4. Le Butcherettes – Butchers give us meat by buying dead cows, and other animals, and carving them into little pieces. This is one of the 68 bands or side-projects that Omar Rodriguez-Lopez will be bringing to the Neon Desert Festival. Mars Volta, however, will not appear because Omar Rodriguez-Lopez feels they are too good for El Paso and not worthy to play here.
5. Ligre – The magic of a tiger reproducing with a lion ….. now in musical form!
6. Ghostland Observatory – Ghostland is one of the hidden worlds you have to conquer in the Mario Brothers series of games.
7. La Vida Boheme – Inspired by Puccini’s erotically charged sequel with 30% more nudity than the original “La Boheme”.
8. The Pinker Tones – Contemporaries of the Pinkerton Agency which solved crimes in the old west wearing pink and dressing in drag.
9. Belanova – The lead singer created the mathematical formula: Short Skirt + Tall Stage = Great Viewing Entertainment. Jamon? Si, mucho jamon.
10. Zechs Marquise – A loving tribute to the Marquis de Sade’s softcore cousin, Marquis de Sex.
11. The D.A. – The District Attorney that keeps us safe from criminals and also parties hard.
12. The Twelves – Slightly better than “The Thirteens”.
13. Mexicans With Guns – Customs and Border Protection will hassle them but the Border Patrol is cool with them. Mexicans With Rocks, however, will be shot on the spot by the Border Patrol – Dey protectin ‘Murica from da terrorists, dontcha now?
14. Mexican Institute of Sound – The real Mexican Institute of Sound is in Mexico D.F. (Chilangolandia) and is run by Chilangos who waste all of Mexico’s money on one city and accomplish nothing. This is basically how all Mexican government agencies are run. (Yay, social commentary)
15. Johnny Costello – If Elvis Costello mated with DJ Johnny Kage they would not produce Johnny Costello. And it would be a very disturbing thing to see.
16. Babasonicos – Sonic the Hedgehog ran really fast, but real hedgehogs are pretty slow and just sleep all the time.
17. Emily Davis & The Altar Boys – [Commence Smart Ass Comment Break] An amazing singer/songwriter. [End Commence Smart Ass Comment Break] Priests are going to love this act.
18. Classixx – I hope Vivid Video comes out with a Classixxx series soon. Not enough bush in today’s modern erotica.
19. Class Actress - Like a class-action lawsuit but with only female lawyers who may or may not do it nude.
20. Kontra Golpe Noise Manifesto - Kontra Golpe is a Futball term meaning counter attack or counter punch.
21. A-Trak – One of the many DJs in the festival and scattered around our list. Really hard to judge the quality of a DJ from online clips. To truly know how good they are you have to actually be there to see how many people are on drugs and how many sexual assaults are occurring. The more druggies and fondling going on, the better the DJ. Electronica Music: The #1 music of choice for sexual assaults.
22. Stereothieves – They will steal you stereo and also steal your heart.
23. Beatslacker – Don’t know what a beatslacker is but I’m pretty sure a meatslacker is a deviant sexual term.
24. Midnight Response – The average reaction when you place a 911 call at 5 PM.
25. The Bulletproof Tiger – This is a good action movie, but “Bulletproof Dragon” is better. Both are better than “Bulletproof Monk” though.
26. Fixed Idea – The idea will not move.
27. Penguin Prison – Penguins are short and flightless birds. Building a prison for penguins is fairly easy.
28. Keep It Gold – If you really want to make money, you should make it Platinum instead.
29. Dependientes Del Beat – Es bueno ser dependiente del beat, pero tambien necesitas ser dependiente del money para no ser un hobo.
30. Xeno 9 - No relation to Simple Minded’s own lovable icon, Zeno the Fox.
31. Sound on Sound – I prefer Girl on Girl, but I’m not judging.
32. Astro Dudes – The Houston Astros are a horrible baseball team.
33. Tom Laike & Freddie Towers – I hope they don’t split up like Hall & Oates. It was never the same when they split up.
34. Toy Selectah – Contrary to popular belief, Geoffrey the Giraffe does not select all the toys for Toys R’ Us. He only selects the stuffed animals and Mature-rated video games.
35. Rob Bass - His Nemesis is Robert Treble and they music fight whenever they get together.
36. Esteban Carrasco – Esteban is Spanish for Steben.
37. Eureka the Butcher + Sadah Luna – Another Rodriguez-Lopez project featuring a girl who is banging a Rodriquez-Lopez. There is absolutely no nepotism here. Nope, none at all.

Enjoy Neon Desert!

What's in Your Head taking us into the weekend

nospam@example.com (The King) — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:59:53 -0400

Welcome your weekend with these wonderful pieces of ass art.

As if I never left

nospam@example.com (The King) — Fri, 18 May 2012 13:53:54 -0400

After a long hiatus, which in no way involved extended stays in rehab, I’m back at work at Simple Minded. Only a classy place like this would let me come back after the shame I brought upon it*. In any case, it feels good to once again be working for that lovable despot, Duckrunner.

* For legal reasons, we can’t discuss what went down. Just know it would have made Charlie Sheen proud. Also, for the record, I thought the cop was a prostitute.

And what a surprise! I’m going to blog about Batman. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Ha Ha. As everyone and their mother knows, Nolan’s Batman trilogy will come to an end this summer. We can speculate on the plot and the ending all day, but we all know Batman will be triumphant and then he’ll fly to space in his fancy plane and join up with The Justice League so WB can set up a team-up movie a la Avengers. No, we’re here to talk about the villain, Bane. Contrary to popular opinion, possibly fueled by Robert “Jeep” Swenson’s critically acclaimed performance as the villain in the masterpiece, Batman and Robin, Bane is not some bumbling, limo-driving muscle head. While we all loved that iconic performance, it is not very faithful to the essence of the character.

Bane Smash!!!! Grrrrrowwwwwl!!!

Bane was introduced in the 1993 storyline, Knightfall. He is presented as Batman’s physical AND intellectual equal. A calculating menace, he enhances his strength through the use of something called Venom and wears a luchador mask. He systematically wears The Batman down by releasing all the prisoners in Arkham, and when he is at his weakest, Bane breaks Batman’s back. Bane then proceeds to run Gotham’s criminal underworld much in the same way Duckrunner rules over Simple Minded. So we can assume Christopher Nolan will present him as a calculating, physical force, intent on breaking Bruce Wayne, physically and emotionally. Tom Hardy will play Bane, which I think is an excellent choice because I truly believe Tom Hardy spends his days wandering the Earth beating the shit out of people just as he did in Warrior and Bronson. I don’t think he’ll use the Venom, and Bane clearly will not wear a luchador mask. Nolan can be pretentious and doesn’t like to include non-realistic features, even though these are comic book movies, and he included that water vaporizer thing in Begins and that sonar thing in Dark Knight. Personally, I would have preferred Bane and Batman gang raping Catwoman, but hey we always have Batman XXX, The Sequel**.

** I already submitted a script for that exact storyline. I’m still waiting on a response from Vivid Entertainment

Lexi Belle and Tori Black as Batgirl and Catwoman, respectively. Nolan could learn a thing or two from Batman XXX….

So, while Nolan won’t be completely true to the source material (he never has been), I think he’ll definitely capture what the character is all about, and to his credit, he’s done it with every single character so far in his Bat-movies. Yes, some people complained about Two-face, but Harvey Dent, and his descent, were spot on.

Tom Hardy as Bane, brooding something fierce, quite possibly because he just pulverized a small human or animal.

It’s good to be back, and join us next time, when we’ll discuss Catwoman, and whether or not I have a shot at getting a pipi touch from her.

The Dark Knight Rises hits theatres July 20, 2012!

www.thedarkknightrises.com

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Semifinal #2 Drama Vs. Popcorn Movie

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Thu, 17 May 2012 20:11:00 -0400

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 SEMIFINAL #2

DRAMA Vs. POPCORN MOVIE

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Warrior Vs. Green Lantern

FINAL SCORE

Green Lantern – 12

Warrior – 32 (Advances to Final)

Warrior advances to the 2011 Tournament of Film Final versus Wu Xia.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Semifinal #1 Action Vs. Comedy

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Thu, 17 May 2012 18:26:00 -0400

We have finally reached the semifinals of the Tournament of Film for 2011 and we have our final four movies left alive. The best action movie of 2011, Wu Xia, will go up against the best comedy of 2011, Rien A Declarer, in the first semifinal. And later the second semifinal will pair up the best drama of 2011, Warriror, and the best popcorn movie of 2011, Green Lantern. Just one more round before we crown the best movie of 2011.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 SEMIFINAL #1

ACTION VS. COMEDY

Wu Xia (Dragon) Vs. Rien A Declarer (Nothing To Declare)

Wu Xia advances to the final of the 2011 Tournament of Film.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Popcorn Movie Bracket Third Round and Final Results

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Fri, 11 May 2012 21:49:00 -0400

POPCORN FILM BRACKET – Third Round
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1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 Vs. 12) Green Lantern
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ACTING
TIE

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Green Lantern

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Harry Potter

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Green Lantern

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Green Lantern

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Green Lantern

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Green Lantern

DIRECTING
Advantage: Harry Potter

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Green Lantern

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Harry Potter

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Green Lantern

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FINAL SCORE
1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 – 7
12) Green Lantern – 15 (Advances to Quarterfinals)
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*******
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2) Hugo Vs. 3) X-Men: First Class.
ACTING
Advantage: X-Men

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: X-Men

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Hugo

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Hugo

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Hugo

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: X-Men

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Hugo

DIRECTING
Advantage: X-Men

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: X-Men

LASTABILITY
Advantage: X-Men

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: X-Men

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FINAL SCORE
2) Hugo – 8
3) X-Men: First Class – 14 (Advances to Quarterfinals)

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*******
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TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 QUARTERFINALS
.
POPCORN FILM BRACKET FINAL.
.
3) X-Men: First Class Vs. 12) Green Lantern.
ACTING
TIE

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Green Lantern

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Green Lantern

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Green Lantern

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: X-Men

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: X-Men

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Green Lantern

DIRECTING
Advantage: X-Men

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Green Lantern

LASTABILITY
Advantage: X-Men

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Green Lantern

.
FINAL SCORE
3) X-Men: First Class – 9
12) Green Lantern – 13 (Top Popcorn Film of 2011 – Advances to Semifinals)
.
.

The Tournament Continues! Onward to the semifinals.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Drama Bracket Third Round and Final Results

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Fri, 11 May 2012 18:36:00 -0400

DRAMA BRACKET – Third Round.
.
11) The Flowers of War Vs. 15) Piano in a Factory.
ACTING
TIE

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Piano in a Factory

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: The Flowers of War

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: The Flowers of War

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Piano in a Factory

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: The Flowers of War

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: The Flowers of War

DIRECTING
Advantage: The Flowers of War

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Piano in a Factory

LASTABILITY
Advantage: The Flowers of War

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: The Flowers of War

.
FINAL SCORE
11) The Flowers of War – 15 (Advances to Quarterfinals)
15) Piano in a Factory – 7
.

*******
.
.
8 ) Melancholia Vs. 13) Warrior
.
ACTING
Advantage: Warrior

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Melancholia

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Warrior

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Warrior

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Melancholia

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Warrior

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Melancholia

DIRECTING
TIE

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Warrior

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Warrior

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Melancholia

.
FINAL SCORE
8 ) Melancholia - 9
13) Warrior – 13 (Advances to Quarterfinals)
.

*********************
.
.
TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 QUARTERFINALS
.
DRAMA BRACKET FINAL
.
.
11) The Flowers of War Vs. 13) Warrior
.
ACTING
Advantage: Warrior

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Warrior

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: The Flowers of War

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: The Flowers of War

SOUND/MUSIC
TIE

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Warrior

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: The Flowers of War

DIRECTING
Advantage: The Flowers of War

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Warrior

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Warrior

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Warrior

.
FINAL SCORE
11) The Flowers of War – 9
13) Warrior – 13 (Top Drama of 2011 - Advances to Semifinals)
.
.

.
The Tournament Continues! Onward to the semifinals.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Comedy Bracket Third Round and Final Results

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:16:00 -0400

COMEDY BRACKET – Third Round.
.
4) Intouchables Vs. 16) Delhi Belly.
ACTING
Advantage: Intouchables

WRITING/DIALOGUE
TIE

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Delhi Belly

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Delhi Belly

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Intouchables

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Delhi Belly

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Intouchables

DIRECTING
Advantage: Intouchables

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Intouchables

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Delhi Belly

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Intouchables

.
FINAL SCORE
4) Intouchables – 13 (Advances to Quarterfinals)
16) Delhi Belly – 9
.

*******
.
.
7) Rango Vs. 11) Rien A Declarer
.
ACTING
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

WRITING/DIALOGUE
TIE

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Rango

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Rango

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

DIRECTING
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Rango

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

.
FINAL SCORE
7) Rango – 7
11) Rien A Declarer – 15 (Advances to Quarterfinals)

.
*******
.
.
TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 QUARTERFINAL
.
COMEDY BRACKET FINAL
.
.
4) Intouchables Vs. 11) Rien A Declarer.
ACTING
Advantage: Intouchables

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Intouchables

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Intouchables

DIRECTING
TIE

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Rien A Declarer

.
FINAL SCORE
4) Intouchables – 7
11) Rien A Declarer – 15 (Top Comedy of 2011 – Advances to Semifinals)
.
.

.
The Tournament Continues! Onward to the Semifinals.

TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 - Action Film Bracket Third Round and Final Results

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Thu, 10 May 2012 18:27:00 -0400

ACTION FILM BRACKET – Third Round
.
.
4) The Green Hornet Vs. 16) Wu Xia (Dragon)
.
ACTING
Advantage: Wu Xia

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Wu Xia

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: The Green Hornet

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Wu Xia

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Wu Xia

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Wu Xia

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Wu Xia

DIRECTING
Advantage: Wu Xia

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Wu Xia

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Wu Xia

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Wu Xia

.
FINAL SCORE
4) The Green Hornet - 2
16) Wu Xia – 20 (Advances to Quarterfinals)
.
*******
.
.
6) Contagion Vs. 10) Hanna
.
ACTING
TIE

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Hanna

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Advantage: Hanna

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Hanna

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Hanna

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Hanna

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Hanna

DIRECTING
Advantage: Hanna

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Hanna

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Hanna

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Hanna

.
FINAL SCORE
6) Contagion – 1
10) Hanna – 21 (Advances to Quarterfinal)
.

********************
.
.
TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 QUARTERFINAL
.
.
ACTION FILM BRACKET FINAL
.
10) Hanna Vs. 16) Wu Xia (Dragon)

ACTING
Advantage: Hanna

WRITING/DIALOGUE
Advantage: Wu Xia

CINEMATOGRAPHY
TIE

PRODUCTION DESIGN/VISUALS
Advantage: Wu Xia

SOUND/MUSIC
Advantage: Wu Xia

EDITING/PACING
Advantage: Hanna

STORY/MEANING
Advantage: Hanna

DIRECTING
Advantage: Wu Xia

TIME MANAGEMENT
Advantage: Wu Xia

LASTABILITY
Advantage: Hanna

A FILMS GOAL
Advantage: Wu Xia

.
FINAL SCORE
10) Hanna - 10
16) Wu Xia – 13 (Top Action Film of 2011 - Advances to Semifinals)
.
.

.
The Tournament Continues! Onward to the semifinals!

Dumb Ass Trucker Ignores Signs And Causes International Incident - Border Highway, As Always, Is Responsible

nospam@example.com (Duckrunner) — Tue, 08 May 2012 20:18:00 -0400

In this expansion pack to the hit trucker video game, if you choose a Customs and Border Protection Agent as your character you can ask for back-up from a Border Patrol Agent to shoot any obstacles in your way. (The only obstacles that the Border Patrol Agent can help you with is if a child is throwing rocks at you.)

For the past few weeks we have been witness to the story of Jabin Akeem Bogan and his magical semi-trailer and enchanted GPS system which somehow took him into Juarez with illegal ammunition. But unlike the Magic School Bus which drove itself into fantastic and whimsical adventures that it's children passengers and pothead teacher greatly enjoyed, the Magic Semi-Trailer is an asshole and got it's passenger arrested in a foreign country. This story, however, became even more absurd last week when full-time media whore and part-time attorney Carlos Spector got involved and turned the situation into a giant publicity stunt. It is uncertain why other local mediawhoretorneys Theresa Caballero and Stuart Leeds are not involved with this case, but maybe they felt it would just be a little too absurd if they were all involved. A couple of points to note:

1) Jabin Bogan was arrested in Mexico and hired an American attorney who is not licensed to practice law in Mexico. In this situation you would prbobably need to get a lawyer who, you know, IS LICENSED TO FUCKING PRACTICE LAW IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY YOU WERE ARRESTED IN. Next time I'm arrested here (sometime in the next week or so), I'm going to hire a lawyer in Honduras. It doesn't make much sense, but who cares if I can get my plight mentioned in a Honduran newspaper and the Honduran equivalent of Fox News (Zorra Noticias). Also important to Mr. Bogan at this point would be getting someone from the ambassador's office involved. For the most part this is a political dick measuring contest between the idiots in Washington D.C. and the morons in Chilangolandia (Mexico D.F. - the D.F. stands for "Ultra Pretentious Assholes!").

2) Throughout this ordeal, the following excuses have been made - the road doesn't have proper signs, the approach to the bridge is too confusing, a CBP officer told him to go into Juarez, it's a conspiracy by the CBP to sneak ammo into Mexico to help the Zetas, it's a conspiracy by the Mexican government to make the U.S. government look like gunrunners in association with the cartels and mind-reading dinosaurs, and the Magic Semi-Trailer is working with the cartels and using unsuspecting drivers to become the king of smugglers. The one reason that no one has mentioned (and the most likely) is that the driver had his head up his ass, was not paying attention, did not research the route before he left and was relying too much on his GPS navigation and being an idiot when he should have been focused on his job. If the driver had just said, "I'm an idiot and got lost" this might have gone more smoothly in the diplomatic end. But since there has been nothing but excuses and little honest answers from anyone, this has just become a giant political dick measuring contest with no real end in sight.

3) The story of the mysterious CBP Agent who directed the trucker to Mexico (we shall henceforth call him "Agent Misdirection Mysterio") sounds a little fishy. If you've ever been to any American Port of Entry, you will know that most CBP and Border Patrol Agents are complete, total, megalomaniac assholes who've watched one TOO many action movies. In my entire life I have met maybe one or two agents who weren't authoritarian assholes who honestly and sincerely believe that their stupid jobs alone, and ONLY their stupid jobs alone really make a difference. Their entire training consists of watching overtly patriotic Chuck Norris action movies like Delta Force and repeating the words "Derp Derp Derp. 'Murica number one. USA USA USA. 'Murica is perfect and makes no mistakes". CBP Agent Misdirection Mysterio sounds a little too friendly and helpful to actually exist in the real world. In fact, a real CBP agent would have stopped Javin Bogan the moment he asked for help and dragged him out of the cabin. The agent would then yell out racial slurs, call for back-up after claiming he caught a terrorist and pistol whip the driver within an inch of his life. Once the Border Patrol would show up they would check the driver and semi-truck. And heaven help him if there are any rocks in his pockets or in the truck. Because if there is anything the brave men and women of the border patrol take seriously, it's rock throwing. They might have to shoot him on the spot if they find any rocks and they would be justified, because that's what risking your life for 'Murica is all about. So more than likely we can assume that Agent Misdirection Mysterio does not exist and that the driver was just a moron when he drove into Juarez.

So far, the main theory is that the driver got lost and was directed (or should I say misdirected - zing!) by Agent Misdirection Mysterio into Mexico. The media has latched on to this idea and KVIA even re-traced the route the driver took. The recreation by KVIA was one of the dumbest re-enactments ever and actually inspired this writing. It basically consisted of the cameraman recording the shirt and crotch of Ken Huckabee as he said stuff like "Wow, where am I?", "I can't see that sign!", "This is confusing, how do more people not get lost around here?" and "A visitor wouldn't know that's Mexico. That ugly metal border wall built by the idiots in Washington doesn't look like it's seperating two countries in the most asinine way possible. No, it looks like that Jurassic Park fence. You think they have those mind-control dinosaurs behind that fence? That's what a visitor would think. They would first think about mind-control dinosaurs before they think it's another country. I bet those mind-control dinosaurs are behind the cartels and the ammo smuggling, they are very smart." So they continued to record his crotch for like 5 minutes as he drove around and then stopped recording his crotch when he entered the bridge area because you can't take pictures near the bridge. Apparently, you also can't videotape some guy's crotch when you are near the bridge. To end the segment, Estela Casas said that it was very confusing and that she also has gotten lost there many times. Who knew that Estela Casas was blind, brain-dead and can't drive? And who can forget all the times that Estela Casas has accidentally driven to Juarez and gotten arrested? (Eight times, at least, by my count.) So I decided that I would do my own reenactment of the driver's fateful trip and that it would be much better than what all the other media outlets were doing. About 5 minutes later I got bored and decided that I would do a third-rate reenactment like all the other media outlets so I could have more time to play "Big Mutha Truckers - Juarez Smuggling Exxxpansion Pack Edition".

First off, we decided to ask our good friend Mr. Mapquest to give us directions from the place in Tennessee where the driver started and the pick up locations he had in El Paso according to the El Paso Times article. In total he had 3 pick-ups; one in the lower valley, one north of I-10 by Zaragoza and another in the west side.

Mapquest does not recommend you take border highway when making the scheduled stops listed by the Driver. At this point, we can assume that the GPS navigation systems that truck drivers use are complete, overpriced garbage. Let this be a lesson to all truck drivers, "Mapquest will never lead you to Mexico with a load of illegal ammo and get you arrested. Mapquest loves you and is pre-programmed with the hottest strip club locations." So if anything, the driver ended up on Border Highway by relying too much on his GPS or he and his boss are the masterminds of a massive gun running operation, it's anyone's guess.

Because we're too lazy to drive around and actually make a video, we asked our good friend Mr. Google Maps to show us what a drive to I-10 via Border Highway would look like. The street pictures are a couple of years old, but if anything the signs should be better now then they were a few years ago. TXDoT is incompetent, but they at least know how to update their signs. Unfortunately, Mr. Google Maps is very good at keeping it's content relevant so there will be no KVIA I-Team approved crotch shots.

SIGN #1 - The first sign that warns you of the first, and only, intersection of Border Highway (aka Loop 375 aka Cesar Chavez Ultra Road aka Cholo Expressway) occurs about a mile before the intersection. It's cutting it a bit close, but it's not too bad if you are paying attention and not driving too fast. It doesn't mention I-10, but if you get paid to drive you would think you would do a bit of research and know that US-54 connects to I-10 so at this moment you should merge left and not go to Paisano.

SIGN #2 - Just before you reach the Border Highway / US-54 intersection-loop you get another sign letting you know that your options are too continue straight, go to Paisano or get on US-54. It still doesn't mention I-10, but it's not all that confusing and if you get paid to drive for a living you should know that you want to go towards US-54 - unless you have your head up your ass and over-relying on a GPS navigation system.

SIGN #3 - The next sign occurs at the split where you either go up US-54 or decide to go to Paisano. We assume that the driver decided to not continue on Border Highway so at this point he only had 2 choices. If you weren't overly relying on a GPS navigation system and had your head up your ass you would move left to take US-54 to Alamogordo and then get I-10. There is still no mention of I-10 here, though I believe the new signs do have the I-10 symbol so there really is no other excuse than "not paying attention" to end up on Paisano.

SIGN #4 - This is starting to feel like a really bad "Choose Your Own Adventure Book". Let's call it "The Dumb Ass Truck Driver and the Demonic GPS Navigation System Inside The Magic Semi-Trailer". At this point, we assume the driver missed 3 signs and ended up at the intersection of Paisano and the northbound Gateway. I'm pretty blind, but even I can see the sign in the distance with the big I-10 logo when I stop here. A normal person would go straight toward the sign and try and get to I-10, but if you're one of those crazy kids who loves their x-phones and i-boxes and their crazy technology you're too busy looking at a navigation screen to realize you are an idiot. At this point the navigation system was probably going crazy because all navigation systems go crazy at intersections with more than 2 roads in the area. In this moment, you should just kick the navigation system and trust your eyes and maybe stop and read a map.

SIGN #5 - So our brave hero is now on Paisano. BUT ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST! There is a sign that says I-10 up ahead. Just follow the signs that say I-10 and go in the opposite direction of all the signs that say Juarez and you'll be alright.

SIGN #6 - Okay, there's a sign that reads "JUAREZ, MEXICO" with an arrow pointing left. Just move to the right and you will NOT end up in Mexico.

SIGN #7 - YES! A sign that says I-10 with an arrow pointing right. Just move to your right and you'll be on your way. Man, that was close.

SIGN #8 - STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why didn't you turn right? Just don't turn left and don't go in the direction of the GIANT SIGN LEADING YOU TO JUAREZ! No, don't follow that other trailer. That other trailer has guns and is being led by Agent Misdirection Mysterio and the mind-control dinosaurs.

SIGN #9 - Once under the overpass, I'm sure he didn't notice the sign that points to Mexico straight ahead. At this point his navigation system has blown up due to confusion and the driver is relying entirely on instinct and his training which consisted of that one time he played "Big Mutha Truckers" for 15 hours straight. In Dallas and the rest of the hillbilly areas of America you can get your truckers license after passing "Big Mutha Truckers" with a C-Rating - cheat codes allowed!

SIGN #10 - Look! A U-Turn ahead sign! All hope is not lost! At this point in the journey, the driver has missed 9 signs big and small pointing out that he's an idiot and that bad things might happen. Who are we kidding, all hope is lost at this point. But he's on the phone with the big boss from Dallas who may or may not be giving him special smuggling information. Maybe they have an ace up their sleeve.

SIGN #11 - A "No Guns or Ammo" sign. Yup, he's screwed. The media mentioned that they couldn't take pictures at the bridge because of some stupid Homeland Security rule. Apparently nobody told this to the little Google Maps Car with the stupid little camera hat on top. Note to terrorists, if you plan on doing recon just make your vehicle look like the Google Maps car - it apparently has presidential immunity against stupid Homeland Security rules. To recap: Are Customs and Border Protection and Border Patrol stupid and a complete waste of money? Yes, yes they are.

SIGN #12 - The last sign is the failed "U-Turn" before the bridge. A normal car can make the turn but with the stupid concrete maze the geniuses at CBP put up, a semi-trailer couldn't make it through. Did you know terrorists and cartels are afraid of sharp angular turns? God Bless You, concrete barrier bridge maze! You keep America safe. This spot is where CBP Agent Misdirection Mysterio allegedly appeared to Jabin Bogan, but more than anything it sounds like an excuse. A real CBP Agent would have shot Jabin for being a terrorist at this point. And look how close Google Maps Street View gets you to "Forbidden Locations". Reminder to terrorists, Start using Google Maps to plan your attacks now before CBP and the Border Patrol team-up to bring down the big bad Google Maps Street View programs - or should I say Al Qaeda Maps Street View Program. Don't mess with CBP and BP! "Derp, Derp, Derp. 'Murica Number One!"

So after our little re-enactment we can see that, at the very least, 12 signs were missed by the driver that would have proved very useful. In addition, we learned that the media is stupid and Homeland Security knows very little about security and can be outsmarted by a Google Car wearing a stupid little camera hat. In addition to this reenactment, the staff here at Simple Minded Entertainment drove around the Paisano/Border Highway/Bridge area completely drunk and none of us ended up in Juarez (though I did end up at Dreams Cabaret, but that was probably just muscle memory). And just for extra scientific integrity, we played "Big Mutha Truckers" entirely wasted on a level that looks like Paisano and we also did not end up in Juarez. My final expert analysis is that the driver had his head up his ass and was too busy paying attention to his GPS navigation system instead of opening his eyes. Either that or he was really running ammo for the cartels with the help of his "Dallas Boss" and the mind control dinosaurs with intel provided by Agent Misdirection Mysterio.